This post will be an exploration on building a family and how it can be a key experience for faith and love. I understand that some people are not called towards building a family, but I believe for most, God will call us to build a family through marriage and having children. I myself only have had a short experience of marriage so far, so most of what is written is from much thinking and reflecting and not from a greater kind of knowledge that experience provides. So I urge you, the reader, to treat this message as a friend openly expressing his opinions that may help you in understanding this subject of family, marriage, love and faith.
What is the purpose of marriage? In Ephesians 5, marriage is described as a reflection of Christ and the church - a relationship that manifests love. Traditionally, a family is optimally built within marriage and through committed parents, the children and the generations that follow will be blessed.
So then what is the purpose of family - having children? Furthering the point that marriage incarnates love, the family unit can not only manifest love in greater magnitude, but also perpetuates it for a greater length in time.
From this perspective, the family is about how the story of love manifests itself in our lives should we devote ourselves to it. It is a key way to participate in love because for many, the level of commitment and responsibility in marriage and having children is needed to stay engaged in the process of love.
With this understanding of family and love, let’s explore the motivations of an individual through the different life stages.
As a child, one knows love by receiving it from the parents despite being quite selfish demanding of them. The child has faith in the parents and is fully dependant on theml.
As one matures, one’s independence becomes greater through learning ways to better control their own lives. Parents not have everything in their control is realized so one starts to explore other areas to put their faith in.
In conjunction with greater independence, there is a great temptation to put faith in oneself which can lead to pride and arrogance. Social environments can mitigate that to a certain extent, but since one can choose to avoid those environments, pride and arrogance is left unchecked and endures. With this mindset, participation in love gets severely diminished, and the knowledge of love can even become lost.
However, on the flip side, if one learns to put their faith in God - which leads to humility and an openness to learning and being corrected - there will be more opportunities to participate in love - through oneself and others.
Now the first major life decision is marriage. Because marriage is a permanent commitment to the other, it requires each individual to have faith in something other than themselves. At the very least, faith in each other, and ideally faith in God is necessary for it to succeed.
However in our society of consumerism, requiring faith means giving up control - which is used to ensure that one maximizes their comfort and status. Most aren’t ready to pursue commitment at the expense of control and so marriage loses value.
But for one who pursues love and has faith in God to grow their character, marriage is a great way to participate in the story of love despite the shortcomings that both individuals in the marriage acknowledge they have.
Therefore for those seeking a partner, instead of seeking a partner with the qualities that you think will satisfy you most, seek instead to attain the qualities that are valuable for building a family so that a partner will be drawn to you.
So for those that are not yet married, it is good to reflect and ask yourself: Why are you moving towards marriage? Should you marry earlier or later? Or why are you not moving towards marriage? Are you motivated by God’s love or something else?
Through marriage, each individual learns to sacrifice for the other on a frequent basis, where no one gets to run away from the problems - it has to be dealt with. The key to making peace is communication, which without faith is incredibly difficult, but the outcomes - if motivated by love - I would say usually leads to a result that is surprisingly positive in the long run. And so through marriage, one learns to have more frequent exposure to decisions that require faith and by following through where faith leads, love manifests greatly.
The next major life decision is deciding to have children, whether biological or adopted. There is a growing idea that it may be better to not have children, and there are many reasons given for that, but I think underlying most of them is the desire for convenience. Life without children is much more convenient, which resonates well with our culture of consumerism. Most will generally end up having children, but the next difficult decision is, when? It takes much wisdom and prayer, especially with current economic situations. For me, some motivating factors on not having children earlier is to prolong the life of comfort and enjoyment, or there is doubt in my own ability in handling them until I feel I have enough control in my over my life. The first reason is counter to love, and the second is being faithless. Individuals make many similar decisions in everyday life to a lesser degree, but for the decision of children, there is no going back and their life will be permanently transformed. There will be a vulnerable life that will be totally dependent. Like with marriage, we can ask ourselves: Why do we want children? Why have children earlier or later? Or why do we not want children? Are we motivated by God’s love or something else?
Through raising children, one learns to sacrifice for another, but not only that. Unlike sacrificing for one’s spouse who can still manage on their own and reciprocate the love, children are less able to reciprocate love and totally dependent on the parents. The parents will be stretched beyond themselves and through this burdensome process, each parent will better know what faith and love is through relying on God. Through perseverance and patience in building the family, love manifests greatly, with a high possibility that it manifests through the rest of the generations to the glory of God.
To conclude, take seriously where you think God is leading you in marriage and having children. Reflect on what you value most - is it love? Or something else? Also reflect on how much control you are willing to relinquish to allow faith in God to grow. These will not be easy decisions but I hope you find more clarity for your own life through much prayer and discernment. May the faith you have lead you through a beautiful story that radiates Christ’s love for all to experience.